


The Consultant

by deathmarkedlove_archivist



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-29
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2019-05-09 23:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14725430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathmarkedlove_archivist/pseuds/deathmarkedlove_archivist
Summary: Spike needs some real help with this whole love thing. Set some time after Intervention. R





	The Consultant

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: R for course language, sexual situations, and bad grammar.
> 
> Disclaimer: Goofy, Daffy and...one of those other cartoon characters.
> 
> Note: I wrote this after watching an episode of Buffy. I suddenly realized that Spike needs some real help with this whole love thing.
> 
> Feedback: Yes, unless you didn't like it. If you didn't like it then I...uh...didn't write it.

“Are you Dr. Cross?”

 

The voice awakened Stephan from his daze and grabbed his attention. Taking a look around he couldn’t help but notice that he was still tied up. Thankfully he was no longer trapped in the trunk of a moving car.

 

But he was still kidnapped so that hadn’t improved.

 

He squinted his eyes in the direction that the voice spoke from, hoping that he could get a look at his captors. “Who are you?” he muttered. It was probably a stupid question but he couldn’t really think of anything else to say.

 

But the voice totally disregarded him. “Are you Stephan Cross, PhD?” A figure seemed to appear out the shadows as the voice continued talking, “Are you the famous Dr. Cross, the worlds foremost authority on romantic relationships?”

 

Stephan nodded quickly but added, “I’m not really the FOREMOST authority. There’s this guy in France who -“

 

“Shut up.” The voice whispered but Cross wasn’t really in the mood to follow orders.

 

“Look if it’s money you want I can cut you a nice big check right-“

 

“SHUT THE BLOODY FUCK UP!”

 

Stephan suddenly felt very scared and curled up in a little ball before speaking again in a very light, tinny voice. “Who are you?”

 

From the shadows stepped a very young man with white blond hair and a long leather coat.

 

“My name is Spike and I’m your new patient.”

****

 

In his entire life, Dr. Stephan Cross had never heard anything so utterly ridiculous. This thoroughly confused young man just kidnapped him and threatened his life for the express purpose of getting free relationship counseling. He suddenly felt very annoyed.

 

But he didn’t let it show, He was a professional. He smiled blankly at Spike and lowered the tone of his voice to a soft, patronizing tone. “Okay, Mr…Spike did you say it was ? Okay Mr. Spike if you need my help why don’t you come by my office on Monday morning and I’ll…”

 

Spike shook his head in aggravation. He could tell that this was going to be a long night. “No you stupid bastard I can’t do that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a vampire.”

 

Dr. Cross was shaken for a moment. No wonder this guy kidnapped him, this Spike kid was seriously delusional. He would have to tread very carefully if he didn’t want to hurt his already damaged psyche. “Oh I see.” Stephan smiled and got even more patronizing, “Look I don’t really specialize in your kind of problem but I can refer you.”

 

Spike groaned “Jesus Christ! Look, I AM A VAMPIRE.”

 

Dr. Cross, being the trooper that he was, kept smiling. “Oh I know. If that’s what you believe yourself to be then of course…”

 

Spike suddenly couldn’t contain his temper. He went through all this trouble to bring this asshole here and for what? A line of psychobabble about everything EXCEPT his problem! Angry and tired, he became so enraged that he started throwing the personal belongings in his crypt against the wall. Furniture, knickknacks, anything he couldn’t get his hands on. He just couldn’t take the unfairness anymore. It was enough to drive him insane! He could almost scream.

 

“ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!”

 

See?

 

When he finally calmed down the sight of his captive lying on the floor unconscious greeted him. Spike didn’t think he hit him with anything, so obviously…

 

He touched his forehead and found bumpy ridges in place of smooth skin. He’d been so upset that he could control his demon and it came out to play. The doctor saw his game face and fainted like a little girl.

 

“Great, “ He muttered, “Just great.”

 

***********************

 

After hiding his unconscious hostage in one of the coffins below his crypt, Spike decided that a brisk evening walk would do him some good. After an hour of wandering the streets aimlessly Spike found himself standing at the corner of Revello Drive.

 

Just down the street from Buffy’s house.

 

Spike just took a deep unneeded breath and sighed.

 

Why couldn’t things just go his way? Just once?

 

If his plan worked he’d have it all. A house, a family, and most of all Buffy. He just needed someone to help him do it and he was hoping this Dr. Cross was that guy.

 

His heart resting in his shoes, Spike fished into his pockets for a cigarette and turned to head back to his crypt.

 

“Some day,” He whispered, “Someday soon.”

 

********************

 

Stephan Cross shook his head in bewilderment as he dug trough his briefcase for his notepad.

 

He was about to treat a vampire for romance problems.

 

A vampire.

 

A real life, walking, talking VAMPIRE.

 

He rubbed his forehead sadly. How the hell are you going to get out of this one, Steve? He thought grimly. This was going to be even weirder then the time helped those two transsexuals decide who was the man in the family.

 

*****************************

 

Spike sat down in front of the doctor eyeing him carefully. “Soooo are you gonna do this?”

 

Stephan looked the vampire over, narrowing his eyes in annoyance. “Yes, since you’ve made it clear you might kill me if I don’t.”

 

A moment of indecision washed over Spike. The Doctor didn’t know that he couldn’t hurt humans. It was probably wrong to let this poor guy fear for his life but if Doc found out he wouldn’t help him. Spike just shrugged his thoughts away. What did he care about this guy’s feelings? He was evil. In fact…

 

He casually slipped his game face on and smiled at Stephan. This caused an immediate shiver in the young doctor. “That’s right, shrink! Try not to forget it.”

 

He smiled and kept talking, “Let’s get started.”

 

Dr. Cross didn’t hear him anymore, he just saw the rows of fangs in Spike’s mouth. “R-right. Let’s get this show on the road.” Taking a deep breath he refocused himself on his job. “Where would you like to start?”

 

“I’m in love with this girl…”

 

“What’s her name?”

 

“Buffy.”

 

Cross just sighed when he heard that name. Only in California would someone seriously consider naming their child Buffy and still be able to look themselves in the mirror.

 

He wrote down the girl’s name in his pad under the heading ‘New Patient (Spike) exhibiting potentially obsessive/unhealthy fixation behavior’. Normally he held off on preliminary prognoses until after talking to the patient but this was a special circumstance. Then next to the name Buffy he wrote the word ‘Love’ and put in parenthesis. He motioned to Spike when he finished writing.

 

Spike figured that since they were getting started that he might as well lie down and complete the cliché, so he stretched himself out on the nearest stone sarcophagus and continued talking. “I love Buffy but she doesn’t love me.”

 

“This Buffy is she a vampire?”

 

“No.”

 

“So she’s human?”

 

Spike hesitated with that question. How was the best way to phrase this? “She’s not just a human,” He said hoping that Cross would be able to understand. “She’s a Slayer.”

 

“What’s a Slayer?”

 

It actually didn’t take all that long for Spike to explain what a Slayer was. It did, however, leave the Doctor with one very important question. “Ummmm If she kills vampires, Why do you love her?”

 

“I honestly don’t know.”

 

Cross closed his notebook and looked Spike over. “Does she love you?”

 

“I…” His body seemed weaken with defeat as the doctor looked at him, “…don’t know.”

 

The Doctor rolled his eyes in annoyance. Oh this was going to be perfect. He and a VAMPIRE were going to try to romance a violent female warrior with super strength and (according to Spike) a tendency to beat the crap out of people who pissed her off.

 

Why couldn’t he have been a lawyer like his mother wanted him to be?

 

“Tomorrow night, Spike.” Dr. Cross straightened his tie, “We’ll get started.”

 

 

 

And may god help us He added silently.

 

*****************

Standing outside the fast food joint, Spike pointed to the girl working at the corner. Stephan looked her over with a measure of bewilderment.

 

“That’s her?”

 

Spike nodded slightly, “That’s Buffy.” He sighed slightly and added, “The love of my life.”

 

Stephan was a little bewildered by his choice of infatuation. “I thought you said she was twenty?”

 

“She is.”

 

“She doesn’t look it.”

 

Spike turned around to see that his finger was pointing at the woman NEXT to Buffy, A chubby, forty-something brunette.

 

With warts.

 

Spike angrily growled at the doctor’s idiocy. “Not her! The blonde!” His eyes glazed over again when he looked in her direction, “Buffy.” He repeated.

 

Stephan took a good look at this new subject. She was short, petite really, with short blonde hair and a beautiful athletic figure. She was also young, VERY young, but she had a certain quality about her that only came with age or experience.

 

Stephan smiled. Spike was a man of good taste. Hell, if he was ten years younger…

 

“I can see why you like her.” He finally said out loud.

 

Spike sighed and got the far away look in his eyes again. “So what do I do?”

 

Stephan’s smiled broadened. “Simple.” He said

 

“You talk to her.”

 

***************************

 

Buffy Summers was not at her best.

 

Her hair was messed up from being under a hat all shift. Her skin was covered in the infamous grease-sweat cocktail that led to cases of extreme pizza face. Her company shoes were two sizes to small and her shirt smelled like something died in it.

 

She snickered when she thought about it. Something had died in it,

 

Her dignity.

 

“Buffy!”

 

She winced when she heard the sound of his voice from across the street.

 

Spike. God, what did he want?

 

“Buffy, hey how’re you doing?” He smiled warmly as he walked towards her from across the street. He tried to remember what the Doctor had taught him. Non-threatening gestures, casual movements, and NO STARES. He took a deep unneeded breath and continued his approach.

 

“Go away Spike!” she muttered loudly. Buffy was not in the mood for him right now. The last thing she needed was his pathetic attempts to sleep with her again. She didn’t want the pressure and she didn’t want him.

 

Not anymore.

 

Spike stopped walking midway through the street. He felt his anger flare. That bitch she didn’t even want to hear what he had to—

 

NO! Control yourself! He thought, Deep breaths!

 

When he spoke again his casual smile was still there. “Okay, I just thought you might want to get a cup of coffee or somethin’.”

 

“I don’t!” She spat back venomously, “Now go away.”

 

Spike had a million insults he wanted to hurl at her. A million things he wanted to verbally beat her over the head with. But he didn’t. He just kept smiling and calmly said,

 

“Okay, some other time then.” And then he walked away.

 

Buffy was puzzled. Spike had just ignored her insults and been incredibly polite to her. He even left when she told him to.

 

Her Slayer instincts flared. Something was wrong. He was never polite.

 

She had to call Willow.

 

************************

 

Spike walked towards the doctor’s hiding place in the bushes with murder on his mind.

 

“That was great!” the Doctor said as he adjusted his tie.

 

Spike growled with rage. “What the fuck are you talking about? She hates me!”

 

Stephan nodded happily, “That’s true but your reaction was perfect! Casual, no pressure, and even friendly! You were great.”

 

Spike slipped on his game face and growled again. “I don’t want to work on my social skills!”

 

Dr. Cross was measurably more nervous now but still very excited, “Y-yes, but this’ll be great for the next phase of the plan.”

 

A feeling of dread washed over Spike. Why did he not like the sound of that?

 

****************************

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Buffy just nodded at Willow and the rest of the Scoobies as they gathered themselves around her dining room table. “Positive.” she said

 

“Then, its true.” Xander muttered grimly, “Spike has been…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say it, it was so unbelievable.

 

Buffy saw his difficulty and finished for him.

 

“Spike has been replaced by a robot!”

***************

 

“I gotta hand it to ya Doc,” Spike said blissfully from his chair, “This Valium you prescribed me is great!”

 

Stephan just grumbled noisily from across the room. He hadn’t given him anything; the vampire stole the prescription pad from Stephan’s bag and used it to acquire all sorts of ‘goodies’. If the medical association looked up his prescription record his career would be over.

 

Or he’d get a stiff fine, he had never been quite clear on how that whole thing worked.

 

“So what’s next, Doc?”

 

Spike looked hopefully at Stephan, obviously in a better mood from all the drugs. Dr. Cross smiled, this guy was persistent he’d give him that.

 

“What’s next is this.” He pulled out a large stack of magazines from his brief case and slapped them on the table. Spike eye them casually reading the titles with puzzlement.

 

“Tiger Beat, The Dawson’s Creek Fan Magazine, Heartthrob Quarterly….”He snorted “These are poofter mags!”

 

“And you’re going to read them.” Cross smiled, “In fact you are going to pick five outfits out of these magazines and buy them at the mall.”

 

It took Spike a moment to respond but when he did it was very reasonable and intelligent. “No fuckin’ way.”

 

“Look, its just an exercise that will hopefully get her to see you in a different light.”

 

“No.”

 

“If you wear something different she’ll notice—“

 

“NO!”

 

“If you do this, I guarantee you’ll be having sex with Buffy by the end of the week.”

 

Spike quickly reached over and cracked open an issue of N’sync Magazine. Stephan smiled.

 

You just had to know your audience.

 

**********************************

 

“So it’s settled then?”

 

Xander looked into the eyes of his fellow Scoobies. They had finally come to a decision regarding the ‘Spike-bot’. He looked at Buffy, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

 

Buffy shook her head, “I don’t have a choice, I have to find out what happened to the real Spike.” She shuddered, “Even if it means going out with that…thing.”

 

Willow nodded slightly, “So when the Spike-bot goes to meet you at the Bronze, you’re going to seduce him?”

 

“Not really seduce,” she searched for the right word, “More like indulge, just to get information.”

 

Xander was still dumbfounded, “But who in god’s name would want another Spike walking around?”

 

No body had an answer so they all remained silent. Finally Buffy spoke up. “Maybe its like poetic justice? Build a robot of someone else and karma builds a robot of you.”

 

It was still to chilling to contemplate.

 

Buffy rose from the couch and started towards the stairs. “I’d better get ready for my date with Spike.”

 

**************************************

 

From her hiding place, Dawn hadn’t heard the entire conversation but she had been able to hear the last part and it made her jump for joy.

 

They were finally getting together! This was so great!

 

She ran off to her room to prepare a special surprise for them.

 

***************************************

 

The pounding music and pulsing lights of the Bronze made the inside of Stephan’s skull vibrate in pain. He shook his head sadly. Kids! Youth is wasted on the young. He could have stood there all night thinking about his disdain for young people but he had a job to do.

 

In fact his ‘job’ was standing by the bar. The girl, Buffy, just arrived with two friends.

 

He had to assume that these friends were part of the mysterious ‘Scooby Gang’ He’d heard so much about. Frankly, he wasn’t impressed.

 

The redheaded girl was obviously very sexually aggressive but had watered down her real personality in order to impress some overbearing parental figure, most likely her mother. Her shyness and low self esteem issues were most likely the result of confusion about…(He thought a moment and then it came to him.)…sexual orientation. Personality like hers usually lead to some form of addiction, obsession, or maybe even unfaithfulness.

 

As for the brunette man, he could tell from across the room that he had maturity issues. And was from a broken home. His parents were either neglectful or drunk or both and his bad family life had caused him to have problems with committing to a serious adult relationship, most likely he was attracted to bad relationships or women who berated him like his mother had. Sex probably didn’t come easy for him either.

 

Cross would have guessed impotence.

 

But these weren’t the patients.

 

In fact,…

 

He knocked on the restroom door, “Come on Spike!” He smiled “Its show time!”

 

**********************

 

Buffy looked around the smoky dance club while issuing her instructions to Willow and Xander. “Okay, when it gets here just say hello and find a reason to leave.”

 

Xander shrugged, “That shouldn’t be too hard, I didn’t want to talk to him before he was a robot!”

 

Willow wasn’t listening anymore, she was too busy watching the most amazing she’d ever seen. “Uhh Buffy?” She tapped her friend on the shoulder and pointed towards what she was looking at. “Your not gonna believe this…”

 

They all turned to the direction she was looking at and their jaws dropped.

 

It was Spike, or at least it looked like Spike, dressed entirely in INCREDIBLY stylish clothing. He looked like something out of Tommy Hilfinger ad. It was very unsettling.

 

But what was truly frightening was his face. He was smiling. Not the dangerous, sly smile he usually wore but a genuinely warm and friendly smile!

 

“Hello all!” He said politely, “ How are you?” And he said that like he really cared.

 

They were stunned, especially Buffy who didn’t realize how good he looked in a color other then black. Xander finally came to his senses and tried desperately not to make the joke he was thinking of but he couldn’t help it.

 

In a deep announcer’s baritone he said “Tonight the part of Spike will be played by Joshua Jackson.”

 

Spike smiled at the joke and in very cultured English voice said “Hey that’s pretty funny! Nice joke buddy!” he laughed and patted the boy on the back. Xander looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

 

Willow looked at Buffy in panic and stuttered, “Uhh, We, I mean me and Xander have to go now but Buffy’s going to stay here and sleep with--- I MEAN TALK, to you. Yeah, that’s what I mean.” Willow had been a confirmed lesbian for years and probably always would be, but Spike looked so good that even she’d try to pick him up. She needed to go home, call Tara and take a very cold shower.

 

She dragged a stunned Xander away who was muttering under his breath “He called me buddy. ME!”

 

That left Buffy alone with HIM. She had worn her Faith clothes tonight making her look as slutty as possibly in the hopes that the robot had been programmed to make a move or something. That way she’d get one step closer to nailing him…

 

>Forehead smack! Stop thinking about sex with the Spikebot, Buffy<

 

…She meant finding out his evil plan.

 

She smiled and let her voice drop to a husky whisper. “Well, we’re all alone.” She wrapped her arms around him, “What ever will we do to pass the time?”

 

Spike just kept on being a gentleman. “I could get you a drink?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Spike released himself from her grasp and started heading away. Buffy was puzzled “The bar’s over here Spike.”

 

“I know.” He said, “I’m getting you a soda, I don’t want you getting drunk or sick.”

 

Buffy could have sworn she heard pigs prance lightly through the air.

 

*********************

 

By the soda machine outside, Spike stood smiling at Dr. Cross. “She’s all over me Doc!”

 

Stephan nodded “That’s great now try to remember this if you run into trouble: Old Spike is dead. He’s dust. New Spike is better then the old dead Spike. Okay?”

 

Spike nodded and grabbed Buffy’s soda and head back towards her.

 

********************

 

Little did either of them know that Buffy had followed him and listened to the entire thing.

 

A pang touched her heart and she felt sick. She looked at the man talking to the Spikebot. He must have been the one who built it and was giving it his instructions.

 

That BASTARD! He was the one! He was the one that killed him! He killed her Spike!

 

She fought back the tears that were falling down her face with her rage. He was going to pay!

 

With blood!

 

She ran back to the bar. She was going to use the house phone to call Willow and plan a trap for both of those sons of bitches.

 

Don’t worry baby, she thought, I’ll make them pay for killing you!

 

***********************

 

Spike was having a great time.

 

First, He and Buffy went to see one of those cute date movies with Meg Ryan. The entire movie she put her head on his shoulder and held his hand. Then they went for dinner at a nice restaurant and talked all night about how Dawn was doing in school.

 

He had never had a better time in his entire life

 

Or unlife.

 

******************************

 

Buffy was having an abysmal time.

 

First, the stupid robot dragged her to see some boring movie with that hoe, Meg Ryan. The entire movie she had to put her head on his shoulder so nobody saw her sleeping and she held his hand to keep from screaming out in frustration. Then they went to some resturant with ugly wallpaper and rambled on about Dawn.

 

She had never had a worse time in her entire life.

 

And that was including the two times she’d died.

 

********************************

 

“So, guess this is your street.” Spike felt great. Like the entire evening had been absolutely magical, “Can I walk you to the door?”

 

Buffy tried hard not to life in the robot’s face. This whole thing would’ve been cute when she was fifteen but now it was so stupid. God, she wished he really was Spike. Then this date would have been fun. But this robot was so cold, so polite. It was like they killed Spike just so they could disgrace his memory with this abomination.

 

There was another small tear in her heart. Spike was still dead. Oh god, why? She never even told him—

 

NO! Cry later. Right now she had to trick him into—

 

“Buffy, have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

 

She rolled her eyes at the robot. “All right that’s it!” she screamed and punched the robot as hard as she could. She was lucky that it short- circuited or something because the automaton went down on the first hit.

 

“Bastard.”

 

****************************

 

“He’s gone?” Dawn muttered in a weak voice, “Bu-But why?”

 

Xander patted the heart broken girl on the shoulder and gave her a sympathetic face. “We don’t know why they killed him. We just know that they replaced him with that…ugly thing.”

 

He motioned to the robot that was still offline but tied up in a chair. Xander smiled a little. He remembered when Spike first started working came to them and they had to tie him to a chair to keep him from ruining Thanksgiving dinner.

 

He sighed. Poor Spike, he’d be missed.

 

He turned to Dawn who was still crying. “I was going to cook him Buffalo wings for their date.”

 

“I know. I know. Don’t worry Buffy’ll kick some ass for you.”

 

Dawn’s face suddenly turned very angry, “I hope she finds that other guy and beats his brains in!”

 

***************************

 

Stephan walked into the dirty old crypt with a smile on his face. He was almost on his way out of this hellhole.

 

Any minute now that vampire was going to come back and give him a bus ticket out of town and…

 

He heard a growl coming from the corner of the crypt and looked over in it’s direction.

 

Five very large Fyral Demons were standing right in front of him.

***********************************

 

Spike awoke slowly as his head threatened to pound through his skull.

 

He tried to remember what happened, how he had come to be in this state. He remembered being on a date with Buffy and…

 

Oh God! Buffy! Who ever hit him could have hurt Buffy!

 

He began to struggle to get up and realized that he was tied to a chair, and he was inside Buffy’s house.

 

“He’s awake.”

 

Spike looked around to see Xander sitting on the sofa in front of him with a murderous look on his face. Beside him was Willow who seemed to be very disgusted with him. In a corner was Dawn, crying her eyes out. As soon as he found his voice he muttered “What the…”

 

Xander just backhanded him. “Shut up!”

 

***********************************************

 

As soon as he hit the Robot, He felt instantly better.

 

He had hated the real Spike but he still respected him, He still considered him to be a loyal ally.

 

Well, loyal-ish.

 

But despite Spike’s shortcomings, Xander hadn’t REALLY wanted him to die. Not like this anyway. Probably staked in the back by some faceless coward and replaced by…this thing. It just mad him so angry.

 

He backhanded the Spike-bot again. Harder this time. “Oww.” Screamed the robot, mimicking pain. “What the hell is going on?”

 

“I’ll tell what’s going on,” Willow’s was cold like ice and Xander had images of her falling off the wagon and turning the Robot into a lawn chair. “What’s going on is you killed our friend!”

 

The Robot shook his head and scowled at the Scoobies “What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

Xander backhanded him again. God, that felt good, He thought.

 

“I’m gonna enjoy taking you apart, robot.” He reached over to the table and picked up a small bucket of water and added, “I think I’ll start with this!” He threw the water on the robot expecting to see sparks fly and frowned when he didn’t.

 

“Uh, Xander?” Willow put her hand on his shoulder, “The Buffy-bot was water proof so it’d be safe to assume that this one is too. All you did was get Buffy’s living room really wet.”

 

Xander smiled nervously, “ I knew that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and fidgeted with the neckline on his shirt. “I knew that.”

 

*******************************

 

Spike was enraged and struggled at the ropes holding him. “Xander, when I get out of here I’m going to cut you into so many fuckin’ pieces they’ll nick name you Humpty Dumpty!”

 

Xander Back handed him again. God, that was annoying.

 

Suddenly, a realization swept over Spike, “This is because I went on a date with Buffy isn’t it?”

 

Xander just shook his head in amazement. “It sounds just like him.” He said and then added, “Where is Buffy?”

 

Willow shrugged, “She went to kill that Doctor guy.”

 

Spike’s eyes widened in fear.

 

Uh-oh. He thought.

 

***********************************************

 

Spike started pleading with the Scoobies to let him go. Well actually he said something like, “LET ME GO YOU WANKERS!”

 

Xander just smacked him again.

 

Defeated, Spike sat back in his chair. He wanted to die.

 

Buffy had gotten the whole situation mixed up and was about to do something terrible in his name. She was going to kill some poor innocent man all because he wanted to get laid. It was terrible.

 

He paused a moment and rethought what he had just heard from the Scoobies. Something didn’t fit.

 

***************************************

 

“What do you mean friend?” the robot’s voice again broke the silence of the living room.

 

Xander was going to smack him again but then Dawn spoke up.

 

“Spike was our friend. Do you know what that is? Is the word friend even programmed into you? Spike was the guy we could always count on to tell it to us straight. After Giles left, he was the closest thing I had to a Dad or a big brother. He made a lot of mistakes but I knew he was a really a good person deep down inside. That summer that Buffy…wasn’t here, He kept us all alive. Even Xander started to like him, not that he ever admitted it. And when Buffy came back and they started to sleep together...”

 

She ignored the looks of shock on Xander and Willow’s faces and kept going,

 

“…I thought I had a chance to have a real family again. But then she broke up with him and then you came along and-and…” Her sentence drifted as she dissolved into sobs.

 

This time Xander was filled with such rage that he didn’t smack the robot, He reached for the baseball bat he had brought with him and hit the robot with all his might.

 

************************************

 

As his chair fell backwards and blood spilled from his face, Spike couldn’t help but feel a slight flutter in his heart.

 

They thought he was their friend. If he wasn’t in immense pain and in danger of blacking out,

 

Then he would have started to cry tears of joy.

 

From his place on the floor Spike smiled deliriously and said. “I really love you guys.”

 

******************************

 

Back at the crypt, the biggest and obvious leader of leader of the Fyral grumbled “Where Spike?”

 

Dr. Cross was speechless. What the hell were these things? Sure vampires were at least plausible, but monsters like this were just freaking insane! He mentally frowned at himself. Stephan, he thought, What kind of world are you living in?

 

He collected himself as best he could. “Um, hello. Can I-“

 

The lead Fyral interrupted him…with a sword. The demon took out a gigantic broadsword and pressed it against Stephan’s throat.

 

“Where Spike?”

 

Stephan’s voice came out as a tiny squeak, tired and frightened “He isn’t here right now but He’ll be back later.”

 

The Fyral looked at him a moment before finally removing the blade from Stephan’s throat. “Spike owe money.”

 

“What?”

 

“We kidnap Doctor for him, he owe money.”

 

Stephan’s eyes narrowed slightly with annoyance. These were the things that had kidnapped him. Stupid vampire never even paid them! Talk about a lowlife!

 

With a slight scowl, Cross responded through his teeth “I’m sure he’ll pay you when he gets back.”

 

But the lead fyral wouldn’t here of it. “Want money NOW!!”

 

After being kidnapped, mocked, and generally annoyed; Stephan had become fed up. “Listen to me you stupid little creatures, I don’t have the money to pay you! In fact, I only have…” He reached deeply in to his pockets and pulled out a few coins, “…98 cents! Is that what you want? Then here!” He threw the change at the demons, letting it fall to the floor with a clink.

 

Upon seeing the money, the fyral’s eyes went wide and they scrambled across the floor on their hands and knees. “COINS!!!!” they shouted.

 

Stephan rolled his eyes. Obviously, he was not dealing with members of MENSA.

 

*****************************************

 

Buffy peered from outside into the small window of Spike’s crypt and growled at what she saw. The Doctor she had seen talking to the robot at the club was standing around the crypt with a scowl on his face and all these fyral demons crawling on their hands and knees trying to please him.

 

Super-villains. They were all the same. Self obsessed, power hungry, and usually if they crossed Buffy then they were also dead.

 

Just like this one.

 

She really had loved Spike. Ever since he became a permanent part of her life they had grown closer. But it was hen they had been in the grips of that engagement spell that she began to see how attractive he was. How handsome and powerful he looked. When he let himself be tortured by Glory to keep Dawn safe, Buffy’s heart had nearly melted in affection for the vampire.

 

The only reason she pretended not to love him was because she thought her friends wouldn’t understand. But now that he was dead none of that mattered. All that mattered now was revenge.

 

It was fitting that she was still wearing her Faith clothes, because the dark Slayer herself could have spoken the next words out of her mouth.

 

“Mister, You just died and nobody told you.”

 

*************************************

 

Dr. Cross wasn’t sure what happened next. He was certain that something crashed through one of the crypt’s small windows but after that it was a blur. Literally.

 

The fyral demons charged on the intruder but didn’t really stand a chance. It cut them down. One by one. Slicing them with the brutality of some kind of deadly predator. Spinning like a deadly whirlwind soaked in blood.

 

When it finally stopped, Stephan found himself on the floor with blood running down the side of his head. He looked up into the enraged eyes of a small blonde girl.

 

“Hi there.” Said the girl, “I’m Buffy the Vampire Slayer and your going to die.”

 

He collapsed into unconsciousness when her foot collided with his face.

 

*******************

 

(Buffyfan told me to speed these up, so just to prove that I read the reviews…..)

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Spike was still feeling high from the revelation that the Scoobies thought he was their friend. Sure he was bleeding with a concussion on the floor but that didn’t mean he wasn’t happy. He was VERY happy.

 

But he knew that if he didn’t get out of this situation soon, somebody was going to get hurt and If Xander swung that bat again it was going to be him.

 

His bruised mind raced to come up with a solution to his little problem.

 

Then it dawned on him.

 

Actually, it DAWN-ed on him.

 

With a split lip and a pounding head, he opened his mouth to speak.

 

************************************

 

Dawn was still crying when she heard the robot speak up.

 

“Dawn, I can prove that it’s really me.”

 

************************************

 

When Stephan came to, he realized that he was being dragged down a residential street by the collar of his shirt. This was not a good sign.

 

“Oh good, you’re awake.” The woman’s voice, which could only be Buffy’s, sounded more then a little menacing. “I hope you’re ready for a long night, cause you’re going to get it.”

 

Stephan just groaned in frustration. She was actually mad because some guy was in love her. Spike said she might be in denial but this was bordering on ridiculous.

 

He managed to gather his thoughts long enough to form words. “What exactly did I do that was so wrong?”

 

Buffy stopped and picked him off the ground to look him in the eye. “What did you do wrong? You replaced the man I love with a machine, a robot.”

 

“Oh, so you didn’t like the new Spike, huh? Didn’t think he was any good? Well, that’s pretty funny because you didn’t seem to like the OLD Spike very much either.”

 

Tears began to flow down Buffy’s face and Stephan felt his words get through to her. “I LOVED HIM!”

 

“Then why didn’t you tell him? If you loved him the way he was then why didn’t you let him know? You don’t like change, you don’t like the status quo. What do you like Buffy?”

 

“I hardly think it matters now.”

 

Stephan snorted when he heard that. “Why because he’s different? I’ll have you know that he enjoys being different and maybe if you let go of misconceptions you’ll being to enjoy him to.”

 

**********************************************

 

Buffy nearly killed the Doctor with her bare hands when she heard that. “Enjoy what? A soulless automaton? A cookie cut person? My Spike was real. He had life and feeling. What you changed him into was…”

 

“Exactly what you said wanted.” The Doctor straitened his tie and brushed the dirt off his suit, “I didn’t change anything that he didn’t think you wanted. He came to me and told me about your past boyfriends. About how you wanted a normal life. So I changed him to fit your dream world. What was so wrong about that?”

 

Buffy hit the Doctor, right in the jaw. But that didn’t make his words hurt less. She knew he was right.

 

For years, her excuse for not being with the man she loved was that she didn’t want that kind of life. She was always saying that she would only be happy with a nice, kind man who could be with her in the sun and maybe have children. But now Spike was like that. He was nice and kind and perfect, but she didn’t love him. He wasn’t who she wanted.

 

She wanted Spike. The real Spike.

 

But he was gone for good and in his place was a mindless brainless thing that didn’t smoke and wouldn’t make fun of her.

 

He was a shadow of what she really wanted.

 

****************************************

 

Stephan recovered from the blow to the jaw and got back up to look Buffy in the eye. “Maybe you should be careful what you wish for.”

 

Buffy smiled a wicked smile. “You’re right.” She said getting menacingly closer, “This is all my fault. But that doesn’t mean I can’t blame you for it.”

 

Stephan felt his throat go very dry as she yanked him down the street by the collar.

 

**********************************************

 

Dawn was a little stunned that the robot wanted her to believe he was the real thing. Too stunned to even say no.

 

The Robot took a deep fake breath and continued. “You tell me everything right?”

 

Xander gripped his baseball bat tighter but still looked at Dawn for here response. She nodded.

 

“Well, what if I told you something that only you and I would know?”

 

She nodded again.

 

“Dawn. “He said, a little uncomfortable revealing this secret in front of Xander and Willow, “ Last week you got to second base with Steve Wilson under the bleachers at a football game. He was really plastered and you didn’t tell your friends because he was kind of a jerk and you didn’t want them to think you were a hoe. So you told me because you thought that Buffy would just get mad and you wanted to tell someone.”

 

Dawn’s jaw dropped to the floor. “Spike?”

 

“Dawnie did that really happen?” Willow put her hand on Dawn’s shoulder. Dawn just nodded in shock. “Then he’s really Spike?”

 

She nodded again.

 

“Uh-oh.”

 

Spike wearily muttered, “Could someone get me out of these ropes?”

 

*****************************************

 

Buffy arrived home to total anarchy.

 

Xander was in shock, Willow had fainted, The floor was soaking wet, and the Spike-bot was standing with his arms around Dawn who was screaming bloody murder.

 

Buffy growled in rage. The Robot was attacking her sister.

 

She grabbed for a baseball bat on the floor and dropped the Doctor’s dazed body.

 

The Spike-bot turned and smiled at her just before she broke the bat over his head.

 

**************************************************

 

It had taken a few minutes to explain everything. The kidnapping, the new clothes, the strange behavior, and even the teenage groping (Dawn was officially grounded for a week).

 

But when it was all over and Buffy apologized to the nice Dr. Cross, whom she had beaten the royal crap out of, She still had one person left to talk to.

 

Sitting on the back porch with his jaw and face wrapped in ice packs, was Spike. Even though his face was a mass of bruises and lacerations, he was still handsome.

 

She settled down beside him wrapping her arm around his shoulder. “Hey.”

 

That was all she said, just ‘hey’.

 

“Hey.” He said back, smiling a little in pain. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out again next week, this Freddie Prinze Jr. movie is playing and…”

 

She interrupted him with a deep passionate kiss and said in her best cockney accent, “Freddie Prinze Jr. is a fag! Let’s just go drinking and get us a spot a’ violence.” Smiling and laughing, they walked back inside in each other’s arms.

 

Ten minutes later, Spike punched Xander and threw him out the window.

 

************************************************

 

A week later, Dr. Stephan Cross found himself tied up in what looked like some kind of a hotel in LA.

 

A dark haired man with an intense look on his face stepped forward. “Hello, my name is Angel and I’m a vampire. I need your help with this girl named Cordelia…”

 

Cross just rolled his eyes and screamed “Why can’t you guys make appointments like normal people?”

 

THE END


End file.
